The Journey Begins

Dear Diary,
Today – Mother’s Day 2019 – I start a new adventure. It has to be new because everything I’ve tried in the past has either failed or fallen off the grid. Like many, I thought I was my own worst enemy. I thought I was the cause of my own demise. I didn’t realize all the damage that my self esteem had endured until I watched it disintegrate before my eyes.

I had confidence is so many other areas, but my weight has been a trigger for the past 15 years. I grew up thin with an amazing metabolism. I was called “skinny”, “thin”, “fit”. Those words were my identity as I ate my fried foods and decadent desserts. Sure, I ate a salad here and a low-carb-something-or-another there, but I wouldn’t call my eating “healthy”.

When I turned twenty-one my metabolism turned off…. (okay, so it didn’t completely turn off, but it slowed down significantly). I gained 30 pounds in a few months time. I still looked good, but I was no longer 145 pounds at 5’9″ tall.

15 years have passed. I’m married. I have a daughter. I’ve survived brain cancer (yep – but, that’s another story for another day)! and yet, my weight keeps getting sabotaged… by me. I’m now a good 80+ heavier than that 145 girl I used to know. I’ve tried and succeeded in Weight Watchers multiple times but something always turns off in my brain. There are heavy layers of shame surrounding my weight. It’s an old song that many of us sing.

When I first heard about keto, I thought, “Great. Atkins 2.0. No thank you.” and moved on. I gave up on my weight a long time ago. I know at my core that if the goal is “weight loss” I will ultimately find an excuse or have my resolve whittled down and, before I know it, the whole thing is out the window. It can’t be a weight thing. Weight things don’t work on me. Keto won’t work on me. There’s just no way it would. It’s a weight thing.

Every now and again I take a mid day nap. I’m only 36, but there are days when I’m just tired… so I nap. I’ve heard keto gives you more energy, but so does COFFEE…. keto’s not for me. There’s a bottle of antacids on my bedside table. Gluten things give me acid. I’ve heard keto eliminates acid reflux… but it won’t work on me, keto’s a diet. Diets don’t work on me.

I saw my neighbor a few days ago and she’s lost 40 pounds!! How?! Keto. Dumb, stupid, won’t-work-for-me keto. But then she told me how easy it’s been. And she told me how awake she feels. And she told me where she got all her resources including a free 2 week meal plan. I started to actually research this thing called “keto” and it turns out it’s named after the scientific process of using fat for energy – ketosis. The research looks legit.

Then I thought, “What if… what if I didn’t start a meal plan type thing for weight? What if I started it to stop my heartburn and revitalize myself? What if I made a list of all the ways keto could help and used that list to keep me motivated. No weight shame. No guilt. No pressure.

So today – Mother’s Day 2019 – I start keto. I’ve had my low carb dinner just like the meal plan told me and tomorrow I’ll be 100% in it. Wish me luck, diary. I’m nervous, but hopeful that I’ll solve more than a few problems/plagues in my life!